What Love Is
by pgleelxo
Summary: Rachel knows that saying yes to Finn was a mistake, but can she get the advice she needs that will help her make the right decision? Does she stay in a relationship filled with love not real or does she get out of it?


Rachel knows what love is. She's seen it enough times in movies, in the musicals she loved, and heard about it in the many songs she listens too. It's why she has no idea why she is settling with Finn because whatever they had wasn't love; she couldn't name what it was she had with him, but it wasn't love. On a whim she'd said yes, thinking she had no other options, but there she sat in the choir room with her letter from NYADA telling her that she was a finalist, that all she needed to do now, was go to New York and audition. Her dreams were in reach, but now she was engaged and she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't act on a whim; this was something she needed to think about.

She thinks she should have listened to Quinn, but she is still hesitant about taking advice from the blonde, the same way the blonde was hesitant taking advice from her. They were only kind of friends and even that didn't change much. They still had the past where they tore one another apart and Rachel didn't know if that would happen again. She trusted the girl's opinion, but could she really just break it off? Rachel thinks that if she does anything it will be to break it off completely. Rachel was a girl with dreams, a girl who put herself into everything more than someone should. She wasn't a girl who settled, especially with someone she didn't love. She didn't deserve it and neither did Finn. He deserved to know the truth, no matter how much it hurt him. They were two different people, with different ways of living; they didn't fit the way he thought they did. Rachel feels naïve for letting herself believe him for so long. What she had felt for him was merely puppy love and she wanted the real kind. The type that took your breath away, that kept you up thinking of the other person, and left you with butterflies every time they kissed you or even just brushed by. That's what she wanted, it's what she deserved. A love like that wouldn't hold you back it would help you go farther. The person would be there beside you, instead of expecting you to stay, instead of expecting you to settle.

Finn is a good guy deep down, when he tries to be. She's never questioned that and never would. The only thing she is questioning is their relationship. They'd been together off and on since sophomore year. They'd been through so much together and she doesn't regret anything they'd done. The only thing she does regret is the yes she'd given him because she'd given up, lost hope, and let herself believe that Ohio was all she deserved. She feels bad for thinking that's what they both deserved. He deserved a girl that wouldn't put her dreams ahead of him, someone that would encourage him, and she deserved someone that wouldn't make her give away her dreams for love. A love that wasn't the real kind, it made her feel out of character and she didn't like it. There were a lot of ways she needed to change, but this wasn't one of them. Rachel wasn't under the impression that you couldn't be in love and have a dream; she just didn't think you could have a fake love and a dream, it didn't work.

The letter is held tightly to her chest as her eyes move around the choir room. So much of her life had happened there, and it was strange to think that in a few months she'd no longer be spending her life there; unless she decided to ignore the nagging feeling that was telling her to speak the truth. Finn didn't apply to any colleges outside of Ohio and it meant that she'd be stuck there too. He expected them to last and the only way it would happen is if they were in the same state. Rachel didn't want that, didn't deserve that, and neither did Finn. If he had just a little bit of confidence he could have tried for something bigger than what he was settling for. He could be a teacher or major in percussion; he didn't need to continue working at Burt's tire shop or stay in Ohio. She knew he wanted more than that and she wanted it for him, wanted what was best for him. Rachel knew that it wasn't her and it never would be.

She knows what she needs to do and it needs to happen sooner rather than later. The time had been flying by. Her dads' always told her that senior year came and went in a blink of an eye and so far they'd been right. So much had happened and she just wanted to stop everything, go back and do things over. Rachel had made plenty of mistakes and she doesn't regret them, but if she had the chance to do things differently, she thinks that she would. If she doesn't find him immediately and tell him how she feels then it won't ever happen and she'll be stuck. Rachel doesn't want that. Her eyes flutter shut as her hands lower back down to her lap, the envelope being held loosely in her small hands. Her mind is filling with words, phrases, and full sentences. Things she wants to tell him, things she shouldn't, but most of all, the things she needs to tell him.

Rachel doesn't realize she's speaking out loud until she hears her name being called from across the room. Her eyes open and she pastes on a smile that she knows her teacher can see right past. She lets it falter as he walks in further because there was no use hiding the fact that she was upset, conflicted really, but it was upsetting her, definitely. "Sorry Mr. Schuester. I'll get out of your way." It wasn't a new thing, Rachel being in there when it wasn't time, but he looked upset himself and she didn't want to intrude. This was probably his space more than hers and she shouldn't be taking it away from him. She begins to stand but he shakes his head and she nods in compliance, sitting back down. She didn't feel obligated to stay, but something about him comforted her more than she could explain.

"I hope I'm not interrupting you by being in here," She says softly, playing with the ends of the envelope quietly, not meeting his eyes completely, attention moving from him to the set of drums behind him. "I just needed a place to think and it's pretty quiet in here. It's weird that Brad isn't even in here." She feels awkward because she's rambling about nothing of importance. She can tell that he knows that by the glint in his eyes and the small smile on his face. "I really can leave if you need to be in here." She repeats, not realizing that he'd come looking for her and the tests he'd left on the shelf with his sheet music.

"Rach, you're fine." Will's voice is soft and filled with more emotion than even he can begin to explain. "I had a feeling you'd be in here and I wanted to talk to you." He feels like he should say needed, but really it was none of his business and he didn't know whether to believe the things Quinn had told him. Finn proposed to Rachel, she might say yes, this was all new information and frankly, he hadn't expected any of it. Rachel hadn't been acting as if anything out of the ordinary had happened, he should have been able to tell. He pulls up a chair and sits a level below her.

Her first thought is that she's done something wrong and is going to get into trouble, but it was silly to get nervous over something that she didn't do, at least, she didn't think she's done anything. It dawns on her that they haven't talked in a long time. She remembers sophomore year when they had heart-to-hearts often, and a big part of her misses that. He'd become someone she could trust and rely on, even their arguments spurred her on, and helped mold her into the person she was today. It worries her more that she had such a positive influence in her life and yet she still said yes, when she knew it wasn't the right thing to do. "I didn't stuff anything into any ballot boxes this time." Rachel manages out dumbly before biting at her lip. "I didn't mean to say that. What I really meant to say is…" She pauses because she really had no idea what she was going to say. She hadn't been the one to initiate conversation, not really. As she thinks about it though, she needs to talk to him, had needed to talk to him for a while now, but he seemed so busy, so invested in other things. It disappoints her more than it should and it's weird that it's just now hitting her.

"Finn asked me to marry him and I said yes." She watches his face and all she sees is disappointment. It feels nice to know that someone didn't like the idea of it, not that they were telling her, anyways. At the same time it bothers her. He was settling too, but she had no right to tell him so and she wasn't settling anymore. She was going to tell Finn and get herself out of this, do something right for once. "I'm going to tell him I change my mind." And he relaxes a little. It makes Rachel smile, but it only confuses her further. Why had he tensed when she told him she'd said yes, but relaxed so easily when she clarified and told him that she was going to take back her answer? Rachel is sure he should be upset that she was being irresponsible; you can't just take back an answer like that, can you? It was no different than running away on your wedding day or divorcing. She was making the right choice and by his reaction, he thought so too. That meant a lot to her. He was being honest with her, even if he wasn't using his words. He respected her decision and she respected his opinion. It's all that she wanted, for someone to just tell her she was being stupid. This was as close as she was going to get, but it was okay with her.

Will didn't understand what was going on with her. As he thinks about it she has changed some. She hadn't forced her way into getting a solo, she'd gotten suspended, and now she was getting married? It didn't make sense to him. He saw the way they looked at each other and it never settled right, but he had no reason to butt into his student's relationships; he had no reason to want to. Rachel is different. He always had a special place in his heart for Rachel, a place that shouldn't be there, but he couldn't push away. She was special and going somewhere and deserved to have someone there for her. He liked being that person more than he should and realizes how much he's abandoned her. He can't remember the last time they'd been in a room alone, like this. He briefly wonders if she's missed him, but he pushes the thought away, smiling gently at her, being as reassuring as possible. "I think that it's a good idea to change your mind. Your still in high school, you're still young, and if you're going to last as a couple, you don't need the engagement to prove it."

"No, Mr Schuester." She's quick to interrupt him and she sees his smile brighten. "You don't understand." Rachel wants to take those words back because she's more than sure he does, but she can't comment on that without crossing a line, not that it's ever stopped her before. "I know what love is supposed to feel like, what it's supposed to be like, and I don't feel it with him. This sounds really bad but I only said yes because I didn't get my letter from NYADA like Kurt did, and since I'd be stuck here anyways I thought 'what the heck.' It isn't what either of us deserves and I need to make that right. I'm not meant to be married right out of high school. I'm meant to go to New York and audition for shows. I'm supposed to learn about rejection and then finally get a part that I really want, one that I need. This isn't a role I'm supposed to play. I'm bigger than Ohio and I'm bigger than a marriage that isn't real. I deserve a love that's real." Rachel thinks of explaining it to him but he knows what it feels like. She doubts he needs a reminder. Her cheeks are pink though, because she'd just admitted a lot to him and doesn't know why it's so easy to talk to him, why it's always been so easy to talk to him. "He doesn't even think I'm special." She mumbles, before sitting back in the chair meeting his eyes and smiling a little. It was nice of him to be listening like this, he didn't need to.

"You said you came looking for me. Why?" Rachel raises an eyebrow, thinking that changing the subject, will get them out of this conversation. She'd said enough and admittedly felt much better about all of it, and he hadn't responded with much, she wasn't really giving him the opportunity too. "I really appreciate you listening to me Mr. Schue." It felt nice, knowing that she could rely on him. Rachel doesn't tell him that she'd felt like he'd forgotten about her, because this made up for it.

"Quinn approached me and told me that Finn asked you to marry him. I didn't really know you two were friends. I think that's nice, you'd be good for each other. You could depend on each other. I can see you really understanding one another's problems and helping one another out." Rachel didn't have a lot of friends and he really could see Quinn and Rachel developing a friendship that would last, he wanted that for her. She deserved a stable friend that wouldn't turn on her after a mistake, everyone had their flaws. Rachel's made her more compelling and unique. He thinks he loves her flaws the most. They make her Rachel Berry, the girl everyone will eventually get to know and learn to love. He already had. "I'm glad you were able to figure all of this out on your own though, Rachel. You're smart and know where you're going, and Finn's a good guy but I didn't want to see you held down." He speaks honestly, because he didn't want to see her stuck here like he was. He'd had the choice to get out but he never did. He didn't want to see that for her, she deserved everything she ever wanted, and he knew that New York and Broadway were some of those things.

"Mr. Schuester." Rachel can't help but smile brightly; it reaches eyes for the second time that day and it's genuine. Her eyes are full of love and passion that she can't begin to explain. She feels butterflies and it's weird because she isn't nervous. She only feels better about the step she was going to take with Finn. He deserved better than her and he would learn to understand it. She deserved to be happy, and deserved to have a love that was real, and she thinks that she is beginning to feel that. "Thank you." She whispers wiping at her eyes, not even her dad's believed in her that much, and they believed in her in a way that probably wasn't normal; or she was just extremely lucky, she wasn't sure. Her eyes watch as her teacher gets up off his chair, going for the papers she thinks he must have come in there for, and without missing a beat she stands up too. She doesn't get the sense that he's ignoring her.

Rachel is standing in the middle of the choir room once he grabs the stack of papers he needs, and he smiles at her. "You know it isn't a problem Rach. I've misses these conversations of ours." In a way that he shouldn't, but it's true and he doesn't want to be a liar, he doesn't want to take what he had just said back. "I'm glad that I can be of some help." He adds before he feels her arms wrapping around him. He looks down at her before giving in. He likes the way she throws herself at him, it isn't desperate, but like she really wants to be in his arms. He likes her there and wants to tell her, but instead he tells her she is making the right choice.

She feels like she is making the right choice when he tells her so. She doesn't feel selfish or wrong, she just feels like she is finally doing something right, it probably helps that she feels so safe and content in his arms. Rachel was affectionate but she craves his touch even more, after every moment like this. She feels like she is in a movie and the feeling of longing that comes after pulling away, makes her want to hug him again and not let go. "Thank you Mr. Schue. I'll let you know how it goes." Rachel leans up on her tiptoes kissing his cheek gently, before skipping out of the room. She's going to tell him how it goes, just so she can have another moment like this with him.


End file.
